Memory
by Juniper35
Summary: Without the context of memory, how would you feel about someone you loved? Dearka gets to find out. YAOI


10

** M****emory**

My awakening was swift and almost complete, at least in terms of consciousness. Clarity of mind was a separate issue, and a damn sight less successful. I was lying in a bed. Apart from that…I didn't know a thing. My mind was blank. Where the hell was I? Some instinct told me not to reveal my waking state till I had more data. I kept my breathing even, feigning sleep still, and peered through barely opened eyelids.

Despite my efforts some tiny change must have alerted him. The guy sitting in the chair a few feet from my bed looked up from the hand-held he'd been keying and glared at me.

"At fucking last, you're awake!" he growled. "You took your time coming to, bastard."

Caught out, I opened my eyes fully and stared into his. They were bright blue and angry, set in a pale tired face, with a faint suggestion of silver stubble to the chin. It matched the hair, drawn back in a loose pony tail, with stray wisps coming out over the undone uniform collar. He looked like he'd slept in it, too – it was kind of grubby white, with wrinkles.

I tried to speak, but my throat felt full of cotton and I gagged. Swiftly he was out of his chair and holding a squeeze bulb to my lips. Smooth cool water squirted into my mouth and I swallowed it gratefully. He made to take the bulb away and I grabbed his wrist to hold it in place while I guzzled more. He let me for a moment, then forced his wrist out of my weakened grip.

"Not too much, now. You'll vomit and choke if you do. You can have some more in a while." The words were said in a tone of exasperation. Obviously not a 'people-person', this guy. I looked up at him, assessing. Thin face, about 30, bad tempered, with frown lines in his forehead. Looked as if an attempt to smile might cause something to rupture. Who the hell was he?

From the dozens of half-formed questions jostling in my mind, one turned itself into words, almost without my volition.

"Where am I?"

"In the ship's infirmary, of course. Where else would you be?"

That really told me nothing. I felt the sweat breakout on my forehead as the realization came flooding in on me – I didn't know! I didn't know where I was, or who he was, or even who I was! A total blank. Like my mind had been wiped.

Panicking, my breathing accelerating, I tried to heave myself up out of the bad. Too weak! I couldn't get my damned legs to cooperate.

"Shit, shit….I don't know…you…don't know where….Who the hell are you?" that last wrenched from me in a strangled yelp of fear.

Startled, he stared at me for a moment, holding my arm to pin me to the bed. Rage filled his eyes and he used his other hand to key the communicator on his lapel.

"Choy! Get yourself in here - now!" he barked.

The little bit of energy I'd summoned with the flush of panic ebbed as fast as it had flooded my body and I sank back, panting slightly. He felt my resistance lessen and his hand relaxed on my arm, but did not withdraw.

"It will be all right, Dearka, just relax. I'll get this sorted out." The menace in his voice was palpable.

A younger guy with shaggy hair, tall, but a little stooped, came hurrying into the room in response to the call. He must have heard the tone, too. His face was as white as his little medical coat, and he looked strained. He had a fringe of brown-blond hair falling into his eyes, and peered miserably down at the irascible shorter man through his fringe. He licked his lips before he spoke: "Yes, Commander?"

"You said he'd come out of it when he woke up! Well, he's awake and he doesn't seem to know a damned thing about who or where he is!"

"Sir, I said he would come out of it _in time_ once he regained consciousness. The effects of the ray are imprecise. The level and duration of exposure, differences in individual brain chemistry, the—"

"Just cut the medical crap, will you!" the other interrupted. "Isn't there something you can give him? Something to stimulate memory?"

The other frowned. "It's not a good idea, sir. Natural recovery of the brain is far better for the patient. It takes a certain time for the neural pathways to-"

"Just shut up and give him something, will you! I don't have the time to waste here. I need him functional as soon as possible."

The younger man bit his lip in frustration but did the other's bidding. I didn't say anything to protest when he pulled one of those little compressed-air inoculators from the pocket of his white coat and slid it against my throat. I felt the sting of something cold. I waited, blinking a little but not really seeing anything external. I was entirely inner-focussed, waiting for the sudden flash of some revelation. The seconds slid by….nothing.

"How fast is whatever you just gave me meant to work?"

He frowned. "It shouldn't be too long. Perhaps a few minutes."

He turned to the silently fuming scruffy…officer. How did I know he was an officer? Officer of what?

"It would help if you continue to talk with him about familiar subjects, sir. To stimulate memory and-" He broke off abruptly as the other raised a peremptory hand.

"Get out. I'll call you when I want you."

"Yessir."

It was kind of odd to see a tall guy scuttle like that, in sort of a fast-moving cringe.

He left and I turned my attention to Commander Angry. I gazed up at him running my unencumbered hand through my hair. He still had his hand on my other arm, like he'd forgotten it was there or something. My movement apparently jogged his attention back to me. He stepped back from me slightly, gazing at me sourly.

"This is such a waste of time. Does he expect me to tell you things you damn well know anyway, even if you can't actually retrieve the memories at the moment? Load of bullshit."

With that last comment he sank back into the chair and I decided that made it my turn.

"What did you call me before?"

For a moment I didn't think he was going to bother to reply but then he said: "Dearka. Your name is Dearka."

"How did I get like this? What happened?"

He glared at me. It seemed to be the default setting for his facial expression. "A drunk moron decided it would be humorous to steal a disruptor gun from the arms locker and zap his comrades at last night's party in the mess. You tried to take it off him and got caught full blast."

"Shit! I did that? That was dumb of me."

I shook my head in wonderment at myself. Whoever I was, I must be a bit of a fool. A disruptor gun produced an energy wave that messed up the brain's electrical field, causing mental confusion and/or memory loss. It was considered a humane way of subduing enemies without the necessity of bloodshed. It was pretty hard for any opposition to deal with, actually. How could a soldier resist when he suddenly didn't know who he was or what the hell he was doing standing there with a gun in his hand?

I scratched my head thoughtfully. "I find it strange that I remember what a disruptor does quite clearly, but nothing about myself. Why that, and not my name, for instance?"

"According to Choy, the disruptor interferes most with those parts of the brain which store personality traits, emotions, the sense of self. Non-emotive factual information is processed differently. Stored in different brain circuits, you might say."

Oh, OK. That made sense. My grumpy companion didn't look like he was going to be forthcoming with anything more for the moment, so I decided I would have to prod him. "The medical guy said you had to talk to me. So what is it that I should know?"

His lips thinned and he stared down at me with a look of ...frustration, anger...yes all of those, but with something else added I could not quite place. Who the hell was this guy? "So what's your name?"

"My name is Yzak Joule. I am your commanding officer. We are aboard the Gustavus, currently returning from patrol in the Junius sector. You are Dearka Elsman, mobile suit pilot assigned to the Gustavus...Aah, this is such bullshit!"

The mounting frustration and anger in his voice as he ground out those few sentences culminated in a few choice curses and he stalked out of the room.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to process the limited information I now had about myself. Somehow it made me feel worse, particularly now that Commander Angry - no Commander Joule, had taken himself off to parts unknown. Should I try to get up and follow him? Try to find somebody else to talk to me? Go exploring? The last seemed such a ridiculous idea, it made me laugh out loud. Just as the grump...no the Commander...came back in. He didn't look pleased.

"I don't know what you find so amusing about this, Dearka. But then you always did have a weird sense of humour."

With that he tossed some ration packs on my lap and a bulb of coffee.

"I thought food might help you to concentrate. It usually has a beneficial effect on what few thought processes you possess."

I picked up the coffee bulb, puzzling out what there was about his tone of voice that had somehow changed. His words...his words were not what I would expect from a superior who had a responsibility for me but didn't know me...this man knew me!

I fitted the mouthpiece of the coffee bulb into my mouth and took a long pull, staring at him, trying to puzzle out what there was about him...

"Are we friends?"

I heard myself blurt out without conscious thought. If I could have recalled the words, I would have. He didn't react with the anger that I thought he would, though.

"You might say that. We've known each other a long time."

"How long is that?"

"It's not relevant to the current situation but if you really want to know, since childhood. We joined ZAFT at the same time. We've been...through a lot together... over the years."

He looked less angry now... just tired and defeated, somehow...And as I lay staring up at him, it happened. I can't explain it but somehow reality just _shifted_...and I wasn't looking at some tired angry officer any more. I was looking up at Yzak, as upset as I've seen him in a long time, and trying to hide it.

"Hell, Yzak...you look like shit" and I reached for his hand. He gripped mine, staring down into my face.

"Dearka...are you...back? You remember?"

"Yeah, Yzak. Its me, again. Sorry about the all the fuss..."

"Just don't do anything stupid like that again, will you! You could have had your brains fried permanently, you idiot!"

"Yeah, I love you, too, Yzak". I felt really bad - how could I have forgotten Yzak, like that? Disruptor field, or not. He must have gone through hell, waiting for me to come to, and worrying that I might not be me, ever again.

He just held my hand tight and gave my cheek a slight caress with his other hand, while shaking his head with a frown and tightened lips. I could see sense the words that he refused to say aloud...

"It's ok, Yzak. It's ok..."

After a long moment, he released my hand and stood up. Straightening his shoulders, he tried to smooth down his disreputable-looking uniform.

With a voice only a little husky he said, "Well, I'm glad that's over with. I'll leave you now so you can get some rest. I'll back later to check on you. I have a ship to run, after all..."

"Yeah, Yzak. I understand. I'll get some sleep and see you later..."

I watched him leave and then lay there, sipping my coffee and nibbling the rations. Strange, to see Yzak and not know him. My impression of him as a 'stranger' was already fading...but I could see how he probably he appeared in others' eyes. Well, that was their loss...

I turned to make myself more comfortable in the bed, knowing that this down-time probably wouldn't last very long. I'd be rousted out by Yzak as soon as Choy could be brow-beaten into releasing me. So I lay there enjoying the peace, checking on my memory files trying to see if I could find any holes...any names or faces that didn't fit, any confusion ...

I fell asleep at last, lost inside my own memories, and unsurprisingly, dreamt of Yzak, my Yzak...The world didn't know what it was missing. Well, the world could just go to hell...

END


End file.
